Regarding Depression
Depression reminds me of outer space. You’re constantly floating in place, simultaneously not going anywhere yet somehow still falling, seemingly deeper into yourself. Moreover, it’s vast. If you have experienced depression before, you may know about the nights that stretch on for an ocean, and about the thoughts that occur within you but don’t come from you. One of the most difficult aspects of depression is how good it is at lying to you and manipulating how you feel towards yourself and towards the world. Sometimes you might push through this and sometimes you stay in bed. Know that it’s okay. And, maybe most of all, it’s important for you to know you are not alone.
Author Melissa Broder once tweeted, “What idiot called it ‘depression,’ and not, ‘there are bats living in my chest and they take up a lot of room, PS, I see a shadow?’” Sylvia Plath once asked, “Is there no way out of the mind?” Theodore Roethke wrote, “Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire. My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly, Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I? A fallen man, I climb out of my fear. The mind enters itself, and God the mind, And one is One, free in the tearing wind.” I have to admit, I’ve never fully understood that last one.
It’s okay if we don’t always understand everything that is happening within us, but it is important to always strive towards truth, meaning, and contribution. Fighting through depression is hard. And when depression lies to you that you are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not (x) enough to (y), I’d like you to provide yourself with a new narrative (if you’ll permit me one last literary reference) using the words of Julia Fehrenbacher: “Your new story begins with this: you matter. You are needed, empty and naked, to say yes and yes and yes. Stop asking ‘am I good enough.’ Ask only, ‘am I showing up with love? … Please, hold out your hand.”
I know that sometimes reaching out your hand can feel like you are grasping at something which feels miles away, and at times experience will make it seem so. But know that it is possible for depression to fade and feeling better can absolutely become part of your life.
PS, a good read: Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig